The Unspoken Tears

For those who are wondering where I am, well...
I can't tell much...
But, I'm still alive, thanks God.
God still loves me, God still gives me another chance.
The thing is maybe I am so difficult to understand, so God keeps me in this state.

I'm sorry if I offended some of you to not responded properly. I'm such a heartless bitch sometimes.
But believe me, I love all my friends, family, and those who care about me. I just don't have something to "bring". And that's why I feel like I'm not belong anywhere. I'm on my own.

Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm alone.
But sometimes alone is good. I do enjoy being alone. I talk to myself a lot. Freak? I know.

Is this the life that I want?
No.
I'm still working it out.

So, please. Don't ever judge me.
Maybe it is me who creates negative feelings and thoughts. Maybe it is me who doesn't believe in myself. Maybe it is me who judge that I'm useless and have no skill.

Either way, I want this passes.. soon.

When something hit me, when I supposed to cry--I can't cry.
I don't know whether I'm getting stronger or I don't have a heart anymore to cry.
But the truth is, I want to cry, I want to spill the bitterness out of my heart.
Not a single tear drip.
I'm just crying on the inside.

But I'm still alive.
This means God has a plan for me tomorrow.
And me, as human, as God's creation, will wake up tomorrow. Strive without knowing what will happen in the future.

Please Allah, protect me from any harm.
Keep me away from any doubtful thought about You.
Please keep the faith on my head and heart.
Show me the best way.

I know I am something because You don't create garbage.