Fear of Social Disapproval

Okay, I think my two "the ultimate truth" posts were all about me nagging. There's actually nothing wrong with my occupation. To be able to work in Bandung is wonderful (so do you who work in Bandung, I'm sorry I stated that have a job in Bandung is kinda being like "kaum marjinal"). To be an instructional designer in Pinteraktif is a great opportunity. The doubtful questions actually made up by myself. Well, yes, people do frown when I tell them my job. But they didn't ask why I never made it to big, well-known companies. That were just my social insecurities. I put a lot of people's opinion into account and I'm afraid that I can't satisfy them by not getting "mainstream" life choices.

And I realized that my fear was ridiculous. People don't think about me all the time. People don't think about me as much as I do, or as much as I think they do. They also have battles inside, problems to be solved.

Then I stumbled on this interesting article about why us human have an issue with what other people think of us and how we should minimize it for the sake of our own sanity. It is actually the mammoth who causes it. Damn it, mammoth.

It is quite a long piece of writing (but well worthy!) so I'll try to summarize it for you:

Fear of social disapproval was originated from our ancestors who lived in a small circle of a tribe. To be part of the tribe was everything because they got food and shelter from it. Once you were kicked out from the circle, you would end up attacked by wild beasts or starved to death. It was a long long time ago, yet the trait is still with us today. While civilization has been rapidly growing, human's evolutionary biology can't move nearly as fast. So basically we all have The Social Survival Mammoth lurking inside our brain in this modern life. The mammoths are like; "well, yes, we're craving for social acceptance and admiration, it's 50000 BC after all!"

Social dependent might be relevant in a simple circle back then, but now in a complex and connected world being socially accepted can be very exhausting. Remember when you're trying some clothes and in 3 hours still have no idea on what to wear? On my personal experience, it'll be like;

"Ugh, no.. the last time I wear this they said I was like a grandma."

Or when you're (well, I am) speaking in public:

"Oh no, that man over there is yawning, am I boring? Alright, better skip the joke I made for this section. I mean, a joke? Why would anyone want to hear that? No, hang on, this girl in front of me probably pays attention after all.. look at that wide eyes. Now, what am I talking about? Oh, crap, I forgot. Okay, act cool. Cool is good."

Complicated? Well, that's how my brain works all the time sometimes.

In general, the approval that the mammoth seeks is the one from the Puppet Master. As I quote from the article;

"A Puppet Master is a person or group of people whose opinion matters so much to you that they're essentially running your life. A Puppet Master is often a parent, or maybe your significant other, or sometimes an alpha of your group of friends. A Puppet Master can be a person you look up to who you don'y know very well--maybe even a celebrity you've never met--or a group of people you hold in specially high regard."

Seems familiar? Sure you have one. And in this era of social media, those look-at-me-I'm-fabulous accounts can be part of our Puppet Master. Well. *shrug*

Source

Anyway, the article then reminds us that we should not forget our Authentic Voice (AV). It is the little voice within which tend to be ignored when we're in contact with the mammoth at all time. It is the true voice of you; what you really want, who you really wanna hang out with, what career choice do you like the most. It has ideas, it is the original you. So, it's important to take care our AV to actually stands out and intuitively explore this wide world and.. be you.

The mammoth, by the way, always there with us. It can't be completely wiped out. Human is a social creature, means at one time or two, the mammoth will take place when it comes to socializing.

In my opinion, though, this concept probably similar with habluminallah and habluminannas. Perhaps even more suitable to our needs. Habluminannas is the relationship with other humans, means we should maintain a good relationship with them. As a moslem, I believe in silaturahim, the bond of friendship which, as the Prophet said, lengthens our life and generates fortune. In mammoth case, sometimes it is important to think what people might feel on what we're gonna say, for example, so we don't hurt their feelings.

While habluminallah is the relationship with Allah, with God. Yes, of course, we should take care of our AV. But human is a creature full of nafs (self ego). So, our bias will can interfere with the AV. So, by remembering God, the AV takes healthy dunya-related decisions while it connects with qolbu. I'm stating this because one question tingled me, "how about a gay who assume being gay is his AV?". Well, if one keep the habluminallah, I guess he can somehow suppress it.

Ookay, I'll have to end up this post before it goes off topic. Back to the initial issue, just remember, people are actually ignorant. They are self-absorbed. You don't have to be afraid, Hawa, let's be the best version of yourself, okay? (That's probably my AV talking)

This is NOT how people see you

Cheers!

P.S: I actually enjoy analyzing how people think, why people behave this and that, and how brains work. So, imagine when I watched Inside Out. Amazing piece of analogy. And I didn't cry just because of Bing Bong.