#dealwithit

When I'm in the middle of something, sometimes I think of another thing. Wandering about everything--well, not every single thing on this universe. Most of it is about the purpose of life and analyzing why I or people do it.

Twenty something is the phase when you question every moment, I guess. As much as I hate that other people who ask me, I also hate sometimes when I have the whys lurking inside my head. Sometimes when I get stuck, I think that I'm a perfectionist so I won't do it unless it will end up good. And I think, "I want to show people that I'm good". Which leads to "God, I'm a such a people pleaser."

Currently I feel so much intimidated. I remember I wrote on a post (not a long ago) about my role at my previous office. I can say that I was quite a big fish. The team trusted me to construct and what I was doing gave an impact (at least of what I saw). While in my current office, I feel like I'm just an ugly street stone among well-crafted marble statues. There I said it. And then there are couragement sayings (from myself and my friends) like,

"Yeah, well, that's life.. I have to face it, deal with it, take the opportunity to grow."
"You'll be there (to be as great as them statues), it's just a matter of time,"
"Maybe I should change the way I work, the way I think, the way I see person,"

And from my observation, people truly have their own battle. We are all broken inside.

Ada yang bilang "santai aja, jangan push diri untuk memuaskan orang. Kalau pun mau push, push untuk diri sendiri."

Ada juga yang push himself all the time to get the best version on what he does. "I'm competitive to myself," he said, which I replied, "there is someone who is extremely competitive and make other people feel small and worthless." dan kemudian gosip which he might not paid attention much :p

Ah, ramblings. I just want to let my fingers dance and my mind wanders. Just to prove myself that I am not stupid.

Cheers!

Introverts United

Here's me bashing why I am an introvert. :))

And lately I'm addicted to my phone. God, help me! Like, really! It triggers dopamine release in my brain every damn time I check it--the social medias to be exact. And you know what happens when dopamine is produced by your brain? You'll do the thing over and over again to pleasure yourself. I wish I have something dopamine-releasing activities other than scrolling Path, Instagram, and Youtube. Gak cuma ngabisin kuota, tapi kebiasaan buruk ini juga ngabisin waktu terbuang sia-siaaaa~ memang kau pantas dapatkan! (sing the "Karma" song by Coklat, fellow 90s kids!)

And speaking of the guilty pleasure of Youtube, as I said wrote before that it is my playground where I can find content on my liking, and Buzzfeed videos are some of them. This one sums up my social skill:

And I love seeing Buzzfeed people and their office. So 2016! Kekinian banget!

Here are the things in case you don't want to click the video:

• Enjoying a good book
• The "do not disturb" feature
• Avoiding conversation
• When plans are cancelled
• Headphones
• When nobody's home
• Rain
• Hiding under covers

The blue ones are my true favorite. I thought I was a bad person when there was a time I was happy I couldn't come (well, decided not to come) to a holiday with my friends. I called my friend who hosted it (his house was voted together for staying during the holiday) that I couldn't join and suprisingly he said that he secretly wished it's cancelled. "I think I'm just gonna be a good host now for them," he said. Haha, introverts united.

But today I actually, truly, regret I couldn't join that holiday. Damn it, I was so obedient to my ex back then. He recommended not to go because he would miss me, blablahblah. Ew. Okay why is this goes off topic? Well yeah that, and the fact that it would be lot of interactions with people during the holiday so it would be exhaust me as an introvert. But it looked like fun and.... other reason. :p

Well anyway, it's nice to share it with you, whoever-reads-this!

Cheers!

Honest

Gw kadang takut untuk nulis karena berpikir orang bakal gak suka dengan apa yang gw tulis. To think that they will not be impressed with my life. Padahal gw pengennya apa yang gw tampilkan berkesan untuk orang lain. Yea, I'm a people-oriented person. I'm a "yes" person. Instead of having an argument, I just nod and silent most of the time. Well, grumpy in the inside actually, holding grudge. I know I have so much negative attitudes right now. Anti social, procrastinate A LOT, not getting works done (yet). My motivation is like going very, very south. Dropping to minus forty. I guess there's nothing exciting happen in my life so I feel flat and empty.

Again, if I look around, I hate myself. I hate that everybody's going somewhere. I know this is a phase, probably the lowest mood so far in this 27 years of life. Well, not as desperate as 2012 I guess, the job-seeking time. I started to feel this after my birthday last August. What happen to me?

I hate to show you that I'm too far from perfect. I hate that this makes you feel better because I'm miserable and you're not. But, my sanity is more important than your opinion. So I'm trying not to give a f*** about it.

I'm no angel.

Kalau kata awkarin, "kelansemuasucihakupenuhdosaah"

Dimana Pun Berada

Lalu apa?

Bahwa tak selamanya menjadi biasa. Kata ini meluncur saja melawan sekat norma.
Kau tak ingin menjadi hilang. Menjadi gumpalan lumpur yang menumpuk di dasar sungai.
Tak menjadi masalah kau tak ada. Matahari masih terik dan langit masih merona senja.
Aku pergi mencari wajah. Yang akan kukenakan saat burung menukik ke permukaan air menusuk seekor salmon. Yang akan kubawa saat awan terganggu tidurnya akibat pesawat yang lewat tanpa permisi.

Kau adalah harum. Pucuk di kala fajar.
Berkelana mencari selembar rasa, yang ditandatangani semesta.
Padahal Tuhan hanya memberi perintah sabar. Lalu kenapa aku memintamu segera datang?

Current Addiction: Grace Vanderwaal's Original Songs

Have y'all heard about Grace Vanderwaal?

If you haven't, please spare your two minutes to see her sing. She's the current winner of the America's Got Talent. My, she's incredibly talented. 12 years-old girl with a unique voice who writes her own song and sing it while playing ukulele. I mean, just watch:

She sang her originals through out the competition. And I LOVE all of them. Sweet and simple from the everyday life of a teenager.

Simon said she's the next Taylor Swift. Well yes in term of "famous", but I think Grace's voice is one of a kind. Although I know that Taylor Swift writes her own song as well, but I hope Grace's unique songs won't be stories about how-I-got-to-know-this-boy-and-he-dumped-me-and-boy-I-hate-him.

Isn't she cute as a button?

And now, you have heard about Grace Vanderwaal. The more you know!

Cheers!

Tolong Bawa Kecewa Konyol Ini Pergi, Hujan.

Tidak dalam tarikan nafas ini kau mengadu. Aku yang datang padamu, lalu merengek minta dikasihani.

Kupikir kita ini sama. Punya penat yang ingin dibagi. Punya minat yang haus atensi. Tapi aku menjadi selingan saja, tak pernah diajak bertukar ide.

Apa kabar dirimu?

Aku sembunyi di balik kata. Tak pernah bolos dari pentasmu menjadi juara.
Aku mundur ketika kau berderap maju. Tak mau mengganggu landasan terbangmu.
Kupikir kau tak butuh aku. Karena aku tak paham apa-apa. Karena aku tak paham apa-apa maka kau berlabuh pada masyarakat pulau emas dan tembaga. Padahal pulauku tak kalah siap menerimamu apa adanya. hanya saja kau akan disuguhi sekam dan tenda sederhana. Kecil dan ketinggalan jaman.

Tak paham kenapa harus ada kecewa yang tumbuh. Mungkin karena ada harapan.

Aku benci menjadi penonton.

JUST TELL ME THE DAMN THING.

"Ya gw gak mau, jangan paksa gw dong."

Oke. Oke. Tak mendapat jawaban adalah suatu jawaban.

JUST BE FINE, OKAY?

Lanjut kerjaan lagi, ah.

Up & Up

Me, casually scrolling my Facebook timeline with a bored face and found this (shared) video. And I was like, woah:



Coldplay's music videos are always bizarre and beyond ordinary. There's always a story in each video. Dan pesan yang pertama kali terlintas adalah: realitas adalah sebuah ilusi.

Di video klip ini, mereka mengacak bentuk realitas yang selama ini kita ketahui. Seekor paus besar melayang di langit dan kepak burung elang melambai di bawah lautan. Kapal pesiar yang ukurannya mengintimidasi diibaratkan mainan yang panjangnya tak melebihi sebuah bathtub.

Kadang kita tak sadar ada persepsi yang berbeda dari sudut pandang yang tak biasa. Kita seakan tak pernah betul-betul paham seberapa besar dan seberapa kecil suatu hal. Ledakan bintang yang menyemburat memiliki urat warna yang sama seperti iris mata manusia.

As my friends and I always say it jokingly (because it's so deep that we have to joke it otherwise we'll be drown :p):

Kosong adalah isi. Isi adalah kosong.
Besar adalah kecil. Kecil adalah besar.
Jauh adalah dekat. Dekat adalah jauh.

Bonus!
At the end, the song goes:
Fixing up a car to drive in it again
When you're in pain, when you think you've had enough
Don't ever give up
Don't ever give up

Believe in love

Deal with life, bruh.

Cheers!

Don't Ever Fall In Love With Me

"Don't ever fall in love with me."

"You're late for four years."

"It's going to be weird. And loving me will only hurt you."

"Because you can't love me back? I know. But I can't stop. I'm sorry."

"You deserve better."

"Don't say that. If you want to go, go. If you fall for a girl, go for it. And when it comes, I will suffer in silence. Weep 'til I sleep. And probably live my life as usual the day after tomorrow, although it will never be the same. I don't even know whether it's love or not. I adore you, you inspire me in many things. Maybe I got so inspired that I put my expectation on you. Thinking that we'll make a great partnership in life. Again, I'm sorry. Please be safe, and be happy. I think this my time to say goodbye. To you. To my feeling towards you."

Kelelahan Yang Nikmat

Beberapa waktu belakangan ini gw disibukkan dengan kegiatan tulis menulis. Dari jenis pekerjaan yang cukup ringan sampe ke pekerjaan yang menguras emosi. And sometimes I'm the "busy" type of person, not the "productive" one. You know, tipe "busy" adalah tipe yang selalu mengeluh kalau dia gak punya waktu, banyak kerjaan, tapi hasil kerjaannya sebenernya gak sebanyak yang dia pikirkan. Sedangkan tipe "productive" adalah yang punya prioritas, fokus, dan eventually get things done--dan punya waktu juga untuk melakukan aktivitas lain.

Masalahnya gw adalah (somewhat) perfeksionis dan bergolongan darah A. Yang artinya, gw tidak bisa melakukan Y sebelum X selesai dengan sempurna. Masalahnya lagi, kadang gw merasa gak punya kapabilitas untuk mencapai kesempurnaan yang gw bayangkan. Jadinya, gw banyak berhenti, melamun, kemudian kerja lagi, gitu aja terus.

Ini adalah saat dimana gw berhenti karena belum punya kalimat yang sempurna untuk memulai tulisan di pekerjaan gw. Hopefully, writing on my blog will help.

I just wanna say that I'm grateful for what I have right now. Thank you, Allah. All these opportunities. All these responsibilities. Semuanya berhubungan dengan menulis, seperti yang gw selalu harapkan. Memang tidak semuanya menyenangkan, karena yang namanya proses itu adalah dapur kotor. Setiap gw menulis itu pasti melewati sesi brainstorming dimana rasanya seperti dimampatkan ke dalam kotak kecil, lalu digulingkan dari atas bukit. Sesak, pusing, gak bisa kemana-mana. Tapi, setelah itu beres, dan gw mulai menulis, lalu terjadi sinkronisasi antara otak dan tangan, kemudian akhirnya selesai.. it feels so good. Gw puas dengan hasilnya. Gw bisa keluar dari kotak kecil itu dan menghirup oksigen dengan rakus. Istilahnya, menulis adalah kelelahan yang nikmat.

Oke, Hawa, back to work, please. Deadline's approaching.

Cheers!

The Science of Everyday Thinking: Illusion

Hi, there.

So, I have been enrolled to one of the courses in edX called "The Science of Everyday Thinking". The first time I noticed the course on the list, I got excited because--as you probably can tell--I'm into discussions on how mind works and this course could add the scientific side of my gibberish posts about the mind. Also I want to learn how to manipulate other's mind *smirk*.

I've been on 4 episodes so far and I want to stop for a while, think back, and actually take notes on what I find interesting. Because "you are not understand it yet if you can't explain it", right?

In the first episode I filled out a survey form about beliefs and my way of thinking (which one is more characteristic, which one isn't). I worried a bit because I thought the course would provoke beliefs, at the very most: questioning God. But no, I guess it is about how we think, generally on everything. Each episode shows an interesting experiments conducted by experts, here they are:

Illusions

Have you ever heard about subliminal message? An innocent forward message which becomes satanic when it turns backward? No? Okay, I'll show you one:

This is somewhere between ridiculous and frightening, does it not?

A researcher named John Vokey was involved in the subliminal message phenomenon in early 80s in America. Not the Dora case, no. There was a case where two teenagers committed suicide right after a party where they got drunk, listened to a rock music, and smoked marijuana (one was actually dead, the other was just severely injured). Why did they do that? The teenagers said that because life sucks--typical teenagers. But the parents and a local priest had a different idea, they believed the song that the teenagers listened to brought a subliminal message when it's played backwards. "It's fun to smoke marijuana", it said. Which then led the teens to get high and kill themselves.

The priest said that if the sentence in the song was presented forward, people would understand the message, and if it's bad, they would reject it. But when it's presented backward, people would be unaware of the source except themselves. They couldn't protect themselves from the idea that was created solely in their mind. I think it is what is called hallucination.

He even convinced people by playing the song repeatedly and pointing out that it really said "it's fun to smoke marijuana". People then believed it as well. Again, in my opinion, actually when people is showed something by other person (particularly something that the other person sees), people will have a tendency to see it too because "we see what we expect to see". Simple as that.

John Vokey then tried to proof whether the claim was right or wrong. Eventually, he and his team showed that people can't really be influenced by the backward message (if they were not pointed out before). Yes, people are able to recognize the gender of the speaker and what language it is spoken in. But they can't even tell the difference between a sentence and a question, let alone to discover whether the message is evil or not. So the subliminal message was only an illusion.

This case showed there is a fallacy, an error, when it comes to a thinking process. The professors in the course called it "fundamental cognitive error". It is when we don't recognize that we've made an interpretation and that there are a million ways that it could've been interpreted. I guess it's not a news. But I think it's interesting (yet creeps me out) because our mind is easily disrupted, manipulated by our environment.

Other experiment that showed this error is the four-stockings experiment. There were four stockings, laid on a table and random people were asked to pick the best of them. The stockings were identical yet the result was the last stocking on the right got picked the most. When people then were asked why they chose it, they said it got better quality, softer, and so on. In my opinion, that was because people were asked to choose the best, which was to choose one out of four. This is the persuasion all over again, when someone wants us to do something, we tend to anchor our action based on what he/she says. I think that is (one of many ways on) how people communicate. We correspond to each other's way of thinking.

Okay I don't wanna make this a tl;dr* post (which probably I already have, haha, sorry). Let me show you a trailer of the movie that relates to this post.

The reasons why I watched this movie is simply because there's Emma Watson and it's a psychological thriller (I'm a faint-hearted yet I'm fascinated by--some, not all--horror and thriller stories). But then it left me with a quite strong message that, yes, people's mind are easily modified. !spoiler alert! It's the girl who actually planted all the imaginative thoughts to her family which drove them crazy because they thought the events were real. To be creepier, it was based on a true story. I mean, it's really happening. *shiver*

Okay, back to the world as we know it. With all this theories and illusions, the other message that is also and most important is that we should keep God in our heart. As moslem, it is paramount to have Allah in our heart and mind so those negative thoughts shall be blocked. Isn't it satan's work who constantly alter our mind to do misleading things that Allah resents? I seek refugee from Allah from the outcast satan.

So, what your opinion about this mind trick? Leave a comment below if you have something tingling on your mind as well.

Cheers!

*too long; didn't read

Patient, Love

Romansa Hati

Ah, manusia dari dulu sama saja kisah cintanya.
Ada hati untuk seseorang.
Pilihannya ada dua: hatinya disambut atau tidak.

Bagi yang beruntung, ketika diberikannya hati, si pujaan membalas dengan hati pula.
Bagi yang kurang beruntung, ketika diberikannya hati, tak kunjung dibalas sampai akhirnya sadar diri bahwa hati itu tak akan pernah disambut.

Mereka yang disiksa rindu tak berbalas lalu menuangkannya dalam tulisan.
Tipe manusia-manusia yang melihat langit saja pikirannya lalu melayang ke angan-angan.
Hatinya seolah mencari muara.
Membuncah sebegitu banyak namun tak ada mau yang diberi.

Si Tuan suka si Nona. Namun si Nona jatuh hati pada si Saudagar.
Ah, klasik.

Maka Tuan bersenandung pedih membayangkan Nona yang mungkin saja tak sedetik pun memikirkannya.
Tersayat hatinya bahwa tangannya tak akan pernah bertaut dengan tangan si Nona.
Romansa cinta tak berbalas. Sudah ada sejak zaman manusia mengenal desir asmara dalam hatinya.

Lalu, kemanakah kawanan patah hati ini?
Cinta mungkin sama, tapi kehidupan manusia berbeda.
Yang tak kuat menanggung derita mungkin memilih mati daripada hidup tanpa cinta.
Yang malu-malu mungkin mundur teratur tanpa pernah menyatakan cinta.
Yang ditolak mentah-mentah mungkin tak segan berjuang lagi demi mendapatkan cinta.

Aku?
Aku hanyalah manusia biasa yang menikmati segala pedih dan bahagianya jatuh cinta.
Karena cinta, diri, dan kata adalah alunan yang memabukkan.

Vlog: Family Trip

Yellooooow... hello from the outsiiide~ the first month of 2016!

I was going to post about the new year celebration (not on how I celebrated it, but the haram issue of it) and the bombing (last week on Sarinah area), but I realized that I haven't posted my third vlog in which recorded my family trip to Garut. Padahal sih belum nyiapin kerangka postnya aja hahahaha.

Here it is. I've uploaded it on my Youtube channel, though, at the end of December last year.

Kalau kata anggota HNU, liburan ke Garut ini liburan keluarga Sunda banget. Haha, ya memang begitulah adanya.

Cheers!